Thursday, June 23, 2011

Over the River and Through the Woods: Adventures of a Blue Bidet

I'm shaking her husband's and and accepting a blue bidet and Annie says to me, as I stuff the bidet in my car, "Are we still friends?" Apparently she thinks me volunteering to take the much publicized,web famous bidet as a sign of impending doom for our long-term friendship. But she has no idea.Yesterday I headed over the hills of the southern Cascades and across the Rogue River to the tiny picturesque town of Prospect, OR, where I began Phase I of operation "Bidet Phoenix".

I want to show everyone how lovely Prospect can be before I get to the meat of this post. Insert sounds of tweeting birds and babbling brooks...

Now lets get down to it. Prospect is the perfect place to engage in such redneck pursuits as growing weed, disposing of a dead body, back burning from your front porch, or bashing a blue bidet to bits without raising the ire of nearby neighbors or prompting a letter from the watchful eye of a homeowners association. Anyway I came here mostly because my wonderful boyfriend lives here but also to beat up the bidet. After I described Phase I to him, he was all in.

Here is his place, suitably flanked by a dilapidated but fully functional woodshed and a 28' trailer (inhabited by his neighbor).

When we're not bashing bidets, we do stuff like this in the backyard.

Some nice farewell shots of the lovely bidet.
A brief diversion for all the men folk out there. What's more Balls Out than ruining a bidet? Cool old trucks! Yes that is a 1964 FJ Cruiser. I call it "the other woman" Tom calls it awesome. If you are a fan of things like this you might visit Pirate 4x4. The site appears to be more addictive to men-types than Craigslist.

Back to our story. We drove the bidet out to the burn pile, a hodge-podge of strange and unidentifiable items collected from decades of habitation. After a single-wide trailer was burned on this site it became a regular burnpile/shooting gallery. Layered on top of the remains of the single-wide are great finds like the remnants of an old shed, shotgun shells, 55-gallon barrels, and some half burnt, moldy insulation. I have fond memories of this sketchy dead end spot as the first time I visited we took all Tom's heavy-duty moving boxes out here and burned them with a rather excessive amount of gas to kick things off. It was kind of our first date and actually a great time. I don't have any pictures from that day but it looked a little like this.

So here we are again, PBRs in hand, which apparently are retro-chic as noted by this memorably recession-era assessment...

The brand has also cultivated a reputation as a hipster offbeat beer or what the president of the National Beer Wholesaler's Association, Craig Purser, likes to call -retro chic" - positioning itself as an alternative to big, mainstream brands.

**warning parents**

if you are reading this post with children this section is rated PG-13 for violence, drinking, bloodshed, and nudity.

Once you get the large pieces beat up, gather any small segments and stick them in a 5-gallon plastic bucket. Save large relatively flat pieces for later smashing (you'll see why in the next post). Leave anything that isn't relatively flat behind. You may want to break up some pieces more gently any small hammer will work for this.

Just kidding about the nudity we didn't post those pictures.
In an effort to provide a teachable moment, I thought I would summarize what we learned.

Bashing implements.
An 8lb maul and a very strong boyfriend are more than capable of smashing the crap out of a bidet on the first swing. I think even a big hammer would do the trick. Don't get sucked into buying a sledge hammer like this as it's overkill. Watch for flying chunks on that first swing. Safety glasses and a hood for your camera lens are not bad ideas. (I was standing a generous 15 feet away and still got hit by blasted bits of bidet). Gloves are definitely a good idea as the two of us left the scene with only minor injuries but still things could have gone terribly wrong. Yep that is blood.

Anywhere far away from houses, already occupied with trash and not frequented by foot traffic would qualify. A back woods burn pile, graced by the remains of a cremated single-wide was a perfect location.

Hardware removal?
I thought about delicately removing all the Moen faucet parts before our destruction session but was convinced we didn't need to bother by my accomplice.

What to drink.
Beachside PBRs
2 16 oz (tall boys) PBRs
2 lime slices
Open the beer, squeeze as much lime in as possible.
Rub the top rim with lime and stuff the spent wedge into the can.
Shake salt across the top of the can, let some fall into the beverage.

What to wear.
Sturdy shoes, long pants and as mentioned before, gloves & safety glasses.
Flannel, Carharts, any type of steel toe work boots, T-shirts with lewd phrases, trucker "foam dome" hats and mismatched socks will get you in the mood.

Things not to bash.
refrigerator, TV, computer all have toxic stuff you may not want to be exposed to or leave on the ground, even the Prospect burn pile. I did talk to one guy at an auction last month that mentioned his son melted down a bunch of laptops to extract a gold nugget worth about $25 from each. And with the price of gold near... this might be a great second job for those folks who are not afraid to work with hydrochloric acid, this guy has a nice summary of the process.

I will be working on "Bidet Phoenix: Phase II" and can't wait to share the elegant & beautiful final creation. Until then, happy smashing!

1 comment:

Annie said...

Ohhhh!!! This is going to be awesome. Very balls out. In fact, I can't think of a more balls out thing to do then smash a powder blue bidet with a sledge hammer. Well done!