Rogue Cheese

How things change!  Remember this post written oh so long ago?  You know, the one where I confess to being totally afraid of all illnesses, pathogens and poisons food-borne?  Yeah.  I am still afraid.  But I am working on overcoming my fears.  Why?  I suppose it is the carrot-and-the-stick mentality.  Or, in this case, the cheese-and-the-stick mentality.

Homemade cheese is GOOD people.  I mean, really, REALLY, really good.  And I pretty much stink at it.  Not like Megan, who more or less has a dairy farm.  But still.  Even without a dairy farm, you can make some amazing homemade cheese.  Even if you are curd-challenged like me. 

In the world of mozzarella (acknowledged by most pros as easy for beginners), I am 1 for 5.  One.  One time I have had my cheese set up into beautiful curds that could be cut and stretched.  Not such a good record.  I (together with Dr. Google & the great Ricki Carroll) diagnosed my problem as crappy milk.  No, not milk that is unfit to drink. Just unfit to make cheese with.  I could go into temperatures and pasteurization and all that jazz... but I figure Meg will set us all straight one of these days.  The bottom line: supermarket milk = sucky cheese.

So, I set off on a quest to find good milk.  Specifically, good goat milk.  More on how much I want a goat later.  My quest for good milk hit PAY DIRT the other day.  I was buying a yogurt maker at a yard sale (LOVE yard sales) a few weeks ago and struck up a conversation with a very nice lady.  It went like this:

Yard Sale Lady: "Oooh, a yogurt maker!  I used to have one of those.  I bet you will love it!"

Me: (clutching my find a little tighter and moving away)  "Yeah, I am pretty excited about it." (yard sale translation: It is MINE, @&$*#.  Back away slowly if you know what is good for you.)

YSL: "I used to make yogurt from goat milk."

Me: (abandoning my quest to protect my yard sale booty for sheer excitement): "Really!?!??!  I want to do that!  Actually, I really want a goat, but my husband says we have to move first and even then he is pretty skeptical... but I really really want to make cheese and yogurt from goat milk....."

YSL: (after her ears stop ringing from my glee and verbal diarrhea) "I know some people who have goats and goat milk.  They are really..."

Me: "OH!  Seriously?  Can I give you my number?  Will you give it to them?  Will you call me with their number? Soon?"

YSL: (gazing at me as if to determine my sanity or my stalker potential) "Uh, ok.  Write your number on this scrap of paper."

So I did.  And I never thought I would hear from her again.  I was a little, uhm... enthusiastic when we talked. BUT.  SHE CALLED ME!  And I called the Goat People.  And they have milk!  And it is awesome.  And it makes awesome cheese (after you call your friend Megan and beg for instructions that you can't screw up). 

I know this is a boring, picture-less post.  But you see, I can't post pictures of the Goat People.  Or their cool and note-worthy operation.  Why?  Because of rules like these.  I didn't ask if their milk is Grade A.  I assume that it is, of course - and that they have complied with all of the necessary requirements.  The Goat People and I had a long chat about how they collect their milk etc. and I am more than satisfied with their operation.  And, due to my aforementioned food fears, I pasteurize it anyway (at a reasonable temperature that doesn't wreck all of the good milk parts).

Besides, I actually believe the cheese tastes better when you pick your milk up in outhouse-like shed complete with refrigerator and thermometer.  It makes you feel like you went rogue.  Rogue cheese.  Maybe next time I will pick it up wearing Aaron's old camo gear.  That might make the cheese taste even better.  Hmm....

A Novice Cheese Maker

I have wanted to make cheese for years. I have sat in front of my TV watching boring documentaries on artisan cheese makers with my mouth agape and my heart in my throat. It is like magic. Some heat and some rennet . . . a curd forms! (how does that happen? It's so quick!). A culture, and the whole thing changes again. Magic!Poetry!

But I thought it was too hard or magical or large scale to do it in your kitchen. Then I started reading and it turns out all you need is a pot, a thermometer, and some cloth. You don't even need the rennet for the really simple ones. So here is a really simple cheese I have made in my kitchen. It is quick and easy and no one has died yet. Not even Grace and she is small and vulnerable to bacterial toxins.

Lemon cream cheese:

8 cups milk (whole milk is best, ultra-pasteurized won't work, non-homogenized is best if you can get it)

Juice of 2 lemons

Bring the milk to 180 degrees.

Add the lemon juice, turn off heat, stir a few times and then walk away and leave it alone for 15 minutes.

Strain it into cheese cloth or a linen or muslin cloth. And let hang for about an hour.

Turn it into a bowl. This is the whole original recipe, but I made some additions to the finished cheese that I think are lovely .

Add the following:

zest of 1 or 2 lemons

some maple syrup

a little salt

a big spoonful of plain yogurt

That is it! Try it! It is lovely on toast. When the curd separates it is the coolest thing in the world. It takes like four seconds. Magic. I can't wait to get my real cheese stuff and get started with mozzarella and the like. I can't wait to cut the curd and stretch it and drain it. And I will record the whole thing. I will suck up my pride and ask Mike to show me how to post photos and everything.

I feel the same way about beer and bread and pickled vegetables, but it turns out you can make those too! And yogurt! And it's not even hard.